An open letter to achievers

Here’s something you should know if you love somebody who’s an achiever (also known as an Enneagram 3):

It’s really hard for us to just slow down and rest. We feel weird and guilty and think if we enjoy it too much, we could lose momentum.

We appreciate that you want to help us. We really do, but it’s not as simple as “relax and chill out”. There’s not a simple solution, and it definitely can’t be solved with one simple sentence, you know? (Believe me. My counselor and I worked on it for years.)

We didn’t get this way overnight. We can’t make it go away overnight.

There is something deep in us that screams “you’re only worthy if you keep achieving and accomplishing things. It’s your job to climb the mountain and be the best. If you fall short, it’s because you didn’t work hard enough”. We fear failure and tend to believe that we’re only as good as our last accomplishment. It’s a challenge that is deeply ingrained in us. We can’t snap our fingers and magically change our way of thinking. We’ve been thinking this way/feeling this way for a long, long time. It’s intertwined into almost everything we say and do. We often replace life satisfaction with achievement for so often that it’s hard to know what it is that would make us happy anymore.

We may unintentionally offend by putting relational connection on the backburner; cutting off small talk to get things done (or not engaging in small talk at all); and speeding through things for the sake of efficiency.

Being direct feels most efficient – we want to respect your time and our own. We like feedback because we want to improve, but unjust criticism is incredibly upsetting.

Please be patient with us. We are trying, and as long as we are trying and doing our part to heal and get healthy, encourage us. Those little comments hurt. They feel like additional criticism. Trust me...we have criticized ourselves enough for the both of us. It’s the last thing we need. We WANT to be able to slow down without feeling guilty.

We know it’s not your job to fix us. We don’t expect that of you. We don’t even want you to fix us. We just want grace (and patience). Remind us that we don’t have to EARN the right to rest. Remind us that we are loved for who we ARE, not what we DO.

We know you want us to slow down and enjoy things more. We know you want us to be content with what we’ve accomplished. This is so hard for us. We hold ourselves to impossibly high standards and we tend to lose track of who we really are and what we want in the grind. We struggle with the belief that we must be and appear to be successful in every area of life. We live under constant pressure to measure our worth by external achievement and confidence. We want to do well in EVERY area of our lives, not just in work. This is important to us.

Please don’t assume that we don’t need encouragement. We really do. We may seem confident and self-assured, but we need reassurance just like everyone else. We often feel like we’re not doing enough. Let us know you see us and our efforts. Remind us that we are more than our roles and accomplishments. We need that! We tend to focus on what we want to achieve, instead of how we want to live.

It takes an awful lot for us to be relaxed. We cannot stand the thought of not meeting our potential. If we don’t openly tell you about things that are bothering us, it’s not because we are trying to lie; it’s because we haven’t sorted it out yet OR we don’t feel safe with you yet.

Oh, and also. It’s not all bad. Sure, we have some annoying tendencies and quirks to work through, but come on! On the flip side, we celebrate you hard. We encourage you to push through and keep fighting for your dreams. We are reliable! If we say we’ll do something, we will! We know how to get things done! We see your potential & value and we will encourage you until you’re annoyed with us! There’s a lot of good in us too. We hope you can see it and appreciate it.

Love,

An achiever