Approval and Achievement

For a long period of time, my entire life was driven by awards, achievements, and approval. To me, it was a measuring stick to see how I stacked up against my “competition.” Did I rack them up? I did. But guess what? It came at a great cost.

In 2017-18 for nearly 18 months, when I battled with depression, not one single award hanging on my wall was any sort of comfort or encouragement. If anything, it was the opposite. They brought no peace. It felt like a mockery. I felt like a fraud. Not one single “atta boy” brought me any consolation.

Two things drive our life: achievement and approval.

You might get a glimpse of happiness from your achievements, but what you'll learn as you get older, is every time you reach one, you'll just make another goal that doesn't lead to freedom. You'll learn to realize that none of this will make you happy. The satisfaction is temporary.

How often are we tempted to prove who we are by what we do? I’m not ashamed to tell you that I have to fight that temptation quite frequently. I am still an ambitious and driven individual, but what I learned is, you can achieve it all and conquer the world, but it means nothing without meaningful relationships in your life.

It’s taken near 40 years to arrive at this point! When I was younger, I felt like I had to prove something to EVERYONE - classmates, colleagues, competitors, family, friends, myself. And it’s exhausting because it’s NEVER enough. Life, meaningful relationships, and time have helped refocus that motivation. I have a lot left to accomplish but nothing to prove.

Perhaps the awards and achievements are not what motivates you, but what if you’re an approval junkie instead? You may be more familiar with the term “people pleaser.” The motto for the People Pleasing Club is: “I’m done being a people pleaser, if everyone’s ok with that.”

Seeking approval is much like the endless pursuit of achievements – how much is enough? If you live for their approval, you’ll die from their rejection. If you put your validation in other people’s hands, you will have to keep going back to them for it. If another person is at the center of your focus and they are responsible for the fulfillment of your joy, you will always be miserable.

If you spend your time, energy, and resources to try and gain the approval of people who have moved on from your life, who don’t like you, or don’t even know you — is a waste of time. If you learn from your pain, hurts, and experiences and use them to make a better life with no motivation to prove someone wrong or gain their acceptance, you’ll find the need for their validation to become less and less until one day you realize just how happy you are.

I have a simple suggestion that can help but one that will take time and consistency to see results. Step 1: Stop keeping tabs on people you don’t like AND on people that don’t like you. Step 2: Watch your peace increase.

It’s very challenging emotionally and mentally to be in a place if the people closest to you don’t appreciate you, support you, or don’t express their love to you. We all have those people in our lives that we desperately crave for them to tell us that what we do matters to them but also that they admire us. Yet, sometimes we get stuck in what people expect and we never find out who we are because we’re living someone else’s dream. We are motivated by approval rather than what makes us happy.

Is it wrong to have a goal and be happy that you achieved it? Of course not! Is wanting to be liked by others such a bad thing? Absolutely not! However, both things can become toxic. When the pursuit of the achievement takes the place of building meaningful relationships, you have all the awards but no one to share it with. You’re accomplished but lonely.

Don’t be afraid of losing people. Be afraid of losing yourself by trying to please everyone around you. Being inspired by others is a helpful way to find yourself. Wanting to be like others is a surefire way to lose yourself. Your life is not a group decision. Trust a handful of wise, invested voices. And then go for it. Even if it’s the path less traveled.