Being intentional about caring
Not too long ago, I ran into someone I recognized at the grocery store. I said, "Man! I haven't seen you in a while! How are you? How you been?" He said, "Steve, I AM DOING FANTASTIC! I AM WONDERFUL!" I pulled my cart to the side of the aisle and I said, "Brother, what are you doing that the rest of aren't? What's the secret? I'm all ears! If you want payment, what’s your Venmo? I'll send you the money!" (I was completely serious!)
He paused. He blinked. I could see his eyes welling up. He said, "Steve, I'm not doing fantastic. I'm not wonderful. To be honest, my wife and I fight all the time. My kids are struggling and I'm not sure if I'll have a job at the end of the month". I listened for the next 20 minutes. When he had gotten much off his chest, I simply said, "doesn't that feel better than acting like everything is great and that you don't struggle"?
Before going any further, I KNOW how hard it can be to open up to someone, especially when you’ve been burned. You know you need to talk to someone but it feels like you’ll be judged and when you need help the most, feels like the hardest time to ask.
Around 4 years ago, I started learning empathy for the first time in my life. I understood that every single person (yes, even you!) is struggling with something. I can be annoying at times because I rarely settle for the surface response of: "I'm good! How are you?" Why? Because 99% of the time, they are struggling like my friend was. I will often repeat it and say, “No. I’m really asking. How. Are. YOU”?
We are not God, therefore, we cannot reach everyone but we can be there for someone. If you cannot do it for everyone, don't let it stop you from doing it for someone. Send the text. Make the call. Write the e-mail. Pay them a visit. Stop long enough to care, to listen. You might be thinking, "Yeah! Well, no one does that for me!" Friend, start by sowing the seed of compassion and empathy. I PROMISE, in due time, you will reap what you sow.
One of my favorite things to do, nearly every single day of my life, is to reach out and check on someone (anyone) who comes up in my heart and mind; asking them how they are; encouraging them; and caring enough to listen to what they have to say. You don't always have to offer an opinion or advice. Sometimes, the most helpful thing is reaching out, caring, and listening. (And sometimes, I get no response at all. And that’s ok!)
The truth is life WILL often throw things at you that are more than you can handle alone. The truth is, God never said He wouldn’t give you more than you can handle. There will be times in life when you will feel like you are drowning and there is no one to help you.
This is where you and I come in. We need each other to move ahead, and we need far more than tired old phrases and cliches. In times when life becomes unmanageable, we need to be willing to walk alongside one another. We become living proof that while life can sometimes be too much, we can move forward together. People rarely care how much you know, until they know how much you care. Real friends don't look down on each other; they look out for each other.
The other day, I was a guest on a Podcast and we were discussing some of the matters I’ve touched on in this column and I said to the host, that the people who think they don’t need anybody rarely realize how dependent on others they truly are. I have a team of people that help keep me going: primary care physician; dentist; optometrist; massage therapist; counselor; pastor; nurse practitioners; chiropractor; ENT specialist; hair stylist; close friends; girlfriend; family; Starbucks barista!!
You’re allowed to be both a work in progress AND try to help others grow at the same time. You don’t need a Ph.D. in order to listen and to care. You don’t have to have solutions to lend an ear. Some challenges are too large to be handled by one person. You were never meant to have to be that strong alone. Failure we can do alone. Success always takes help.