All that glitters is not always gold

A while back, I was taking a trip down memory lane with some friends and we were discussing how far back each of us could remember. Some of them could go way back. I could take myself as far back as 4 years old and pre-k. They talked about what it was like growing up in their hometowns, playing with their friends, what they recalled about their elementary teachers, playing on a particular sports teams, and even movies and tv shows that were popular during that time in their lives. What I remembered, even from 30+ years ago, was a feeling of needing to prove myself. Perhaps you can relate.

Growing up, I was always the youngest in my class. I was usually the smallest too. I looked like a blow pop – big head, stick body. I wish I could say I outgrew that awkward phase by the time middle school rolled around but I don’t ever feel like I ever started to grow into my own until the last semester of my senior year in high school – and even then, I was one of the youngest in my class of 460+.

And because of those factors and other influences, it helps to create some bad habits and insecurities. You constantly feel like you’re not good enough; you constantly feel like you’re going to be replaced if you’re not “the best”; you constantly feel like the only way to be accepted is to do more and more. So, you convince yourself that the way to be loved is to work yourself to the point of exhaustion. What makes things worse is when you surround yourself with people who exploit that insecurity. In essence, it’s tossing a 55-gallon drum of kerosene on an already massive flame.

So, if you find yourself in this vicious cycle (like I did and have to fight to stay out of), how do you combat it? How do you address it? What can you do to get out of that mentality?

For starters, I had to realize that the people I was trying to impress and gain constant approval from were not friends. Why? Our friends love us for who we are, not what we do. Who we are surrounding ourselves with does in fact have an impact on our life and our outlook. It is one thing to have people who encourage us, see the best in us, and challenge us to go for it but it is a completely different thing to be made to feel that if you don’t do “this or that” that you’re no longer welcome or accepted.

I can give you countless examples from my life where I thought if I reached heights of achievements; collected accolades and recognition; climbed to the top of my field that all of those things would bring joy, satisfaction, contentment, and peace. I can tell you with the fullness of my heart that they do momentarily but it is not sustainable. Why? Because it is NEVER enough. What has helped me (and I hope, will help you) is true and meaningful relationships.

We can become so task driven, so goal oriented, and motivated by a “win at all costs” perspective that we may get there but how many friendships and relationships suffered because of it? How many people did we just blaze by because we couldn’t be bothered to slow down to make a real connection? Eveything has a price, even success. It’s vital to have a small group that loves you for you; that if you never did one other thing, if you never accomplished one other thing that they would still love you and want you to be around. If that sounds foreign but appealing as well, it did to me too.

What is success? This is a question that a guest speaker asked of me and my classmates in a leadership program we were in together. I listened intently to the responses and while I did not vocalize my answer then, I share now what I would have said: that those who know me best, respect me most.

What changed? Even a couple years ago, that would not have been my response. We can fool others into buying into a persona and not the person. Because when all the fan-fare; the praise; the recognition; and the ability has faded we are either left with meaningful relationships or we are left alone with our trophies and plaques. We get to choose.